Relatively Yours
by felis snape
Summary: A short fic on the unnapropriate feelings a certain Sirius Black has developed for his honey eyed werewolf friend. Is he corresponded? SLASH.


OK. This will be a short fic, and I'm not sure if there will be any more chapters to it. If there are, it will prolly be 3 or 4 chapters long. If you are a fan or Sirius Black/Remus Lupin SLASH (male/male relationships), then please go ahead and read this. But if gay content bothers you, just leave this page now for the best. You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer:: You undoubtedly know that the Harry Potter books were written by J.K. Rowling, the Goddess of the Quill. Therefore I certainly (and unfortunately) do not own the characters, and have just.er. borrowed them so that I could write this attempt of a fanfiction. Don't sue, DO ask.  
  
Reviews:: I'd be very grateful to receive them. Constructive flames too. Other than that, just send them if you deem it extremely necessary.  
  
Relatively Yours  
  
By Felis Snape (Artemis Snape)  
  
* Sirius' POV *  
  
There were few Gryffindors who would choose to spend their beloved Saturday mornings inside the Gryffindor tower, be it rainy or not. As it was, Sirius was among these few, and nobody even noticed his presence as he silently sat on the windowsill, his vision of Hogwarts' grounds being slightly distorted by the many rain droplets that almost covered the view, leaving wet trails behind them as they rolled down the unbreakable glass. The blue gaze of the now sixth-year teenager drifted tiredly across the diversity of students that were spending their few spare hours chatting and laughing with their friends on Hogwarts' grounds, and Sirius sighed involuntarily. He wished he could be there, enjoying himself, too.  
  
But he wasn't.  
  
He was actually further away from enjoying himself than he ever remembered being. Even at the times when he had serious arguments with his family, or when his mother would follow him around the house screeching something about the shame it was her only son becoming a Gryffindor, Sirius couldn't recall feeling as helpless as he was now. For the past few weeks, he had been constantly aware of the sadness that occupied his thoughts, making him useless in any and every task that required even the slightest bit of energy or thought. And what made it worse was the fact that he was being a pain with his friends. It was obvious for anyone who looked at the four Marauders together - they were as close as brothers, or closer. And every time one of them started looking slightly troubled, one of the other three would soon find a way round the problem. Undoubtedly, his friends would eventually start worrying - if they hadn't already. Remus will start worrying.  
  
Remus, who was, without realizing it, the reason for Sirius' trouble.  
  
Ever since he met Remus, Sirius felt differently about the boy than he felt towards the other two Marauders. It was true that James had always been more of a 'partner in crime' for Sirius than the other two - but Sirius' spirits always dampened when he saw Remus' downcast eyes, as the other boy tried not to look reproving while Sirius and James attacked Snape with all kinds of hexes. When he saw those eyes, he wished he could undo everything he'd ever done wrong, just to see the happiness shine on the honey coloured orbs once again. By the time he reached the middle of the first year, Sirius couldn't help glancing at those eyes every time he said something, seeking for an approval, a smile.  
  
It was when he first saw one of Remus' transformations that he realized that Remus longed his friends' approval much more than he did. It was then that Sirius realized how lonely Remus really was - and how the early meeting with darkness and pain had made the other boy much more mature than most people his own age. Sirius realized the fact that he, James and Peter were the only true friends that Remus had, the only ones that accepted the fact that he was a werewolf without running away screaming. He noticed that Remus sometimes became selfless to keep his friends - almost painfully so. He wished he could help Remus every time he saw those soft features sharpen into a deadly façade, every time he saw the sad eyes grow to them beastly aspect.  
  
Sadly, he couldn't.  
  
And that was unbearably painful knowledge for Sirius. Oh, he knew there were many other ways to help his friend, many other ways for him to compensate his helplessness with the fact that Remus was a werewolf But that didn't feel enough for him, since the beginning. He wanted to do more, to stop the pain of the transformations; he wanted so much it almost made him scream. The way Remus looked when he was transforming, the agony that spread out mercilessly throughout his body, slowly and killing Remus as his temples became riddled with veins, and that was left behind for Sirius was an unknown beast. A beast he feared but knew was a hidden part of Remus, part of who Remus was. But he would remain in the Shrieking Shack, watching, waiting, a black dog that would accompany the wolf, with the ludicrous hope that it might become Remus again, and never return. He would play with the wolf, sedate it - and wish he would never have to do it again, to return to that place and watch the Death of his loved friend.  
  
At first, it was the love one feels for a dear friend, a love that involves many levels of understanding, but many less levels than love for a partner. It was soft tenderness, much like the love you feel for a brother. There was even a certain degree of pity. But then he saw he had more in common with Remus than he ever realized. Both he and Remus were rejected by their respective parents, in different ways, but they were. You can get used to love, hate and oh, you can get used to pain. But you cannot get used to rejection. Rejection always hurts you as if it were the first time.  
  
Slowly, the feeling became stronger. And Sirius fought the shocking realization when it first dawned into him, glaring unblinking into his face, mocking his with its sinister twisted reality that made Sirius' conscience plead for redemption. The agony it was to see that gaze meeting his own, knowing how those bitter sweet smiles were webbed deeply into Sirius' very soul, reviving every one of his nerves into desperate aching every time their skin brushed, even if momentarily.  
  
It was hell for Sirius. A hell of twisted pleasure that was calmly driving him closer to madness.  
  
And now, he couldn't help the slight feeling of dread on the bottom of his stomach every morning when he woke up, knowing he would have to see that sadness and remain quiet. Knowing that if Remus ever found out just how screwed up he was - just how much he had ruined their friendship and disappointed him once again - Remus would never say another word to Sirius. And there was not even one little part of Sirius hart that wished to live up to honesty and reveal his feeling to Remus, when he knew the blatant consequences.  
  
No, he'd rather remain quiet about his feelings, boasting on and on about the girls he fucked in hidden rooms scattered through the castle's many towers. Never revealing the fact that he only had Remus' face in his mind.  
  
He belonged to Remus - with Remus - even if Remus himself did not know that.  
  
He sighed as he stood up and made his way to the boy's dormitory, leaving the common room to rest in total absence of sound.  
  
--oo00oo00oo- 


End file.
